These are the BEST Facebook Status Updates for the week of Oct 24th -Oct 31st. Enjoy! Want to make the list? Well then, send me your updates. Don’t be tardy for the status party.

BEST OF:

1. (Name) ’s husband is cheating on me with an NSYNC poster and it’s tearing up my heart.

2. (Name) is wondering when it’s appropriate to tell someone their cleavage is distracting? Not because it’s particularly attractive, but because it’s like really long.

3. (Name) thinks Llamas make great friends and lovers.

4. (Name) if I put hand sanitizer on my eye balls will it protect me from the uggos?

5. (Name) took two girls home after the party last night! My mother-in-law and a woman who claimed to get my great-aunt, but I still spit some game.

6. (Name) thinks Laffy Taffys aren’t funny until somebody gets hurt.

7. (Name) lost my cell phone last night, but found it in my braces this morning.

8. (Name) DOES SO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!  In Second Life. So suck on that haters!

9. (Name) eats because it’s easier than making friends.

10. (Name) was in love with a stripper until she saved up that money, quit and got herself her GED. I don’t like my ladies being able to read and stuff.

I’m sorry, but I’m not comprehending what you are saying…can you talk slower and with some lipstick on?

If I said these things, I’d be a liar:

1. It hurts when I eat. So I don’t.

2. My inability to cook brings all the boys to the yard. And they’re like, it’s better than yours. I can teach you, but i’d have to charge.

3. My cat and I; we have the best conversations.

4. After 7 years and you  still don’t know what you want?  That’s totally cool. Take your time. I’ll just be waiting here listening to my ovaries cry.

5. Vegans are good people.

6. My skinny jeans just aren’t skinny enough.

7. I wish everyone would stop being so jealous of my tan.

8. Thank you Mr. David Sedaris. It is a pleasure to be your favorite writer.

9. No, my co-worker’s breath does NOT smell like regurgitated Easy Mac.

10. I love duck hunting. There is nothing better.

11. Your dreadlocks smell delicious Mr. white hippie man.

12. Why yes, I would love to sit here and listen as you explain to me why the WNBA sucks and why women just shouldn’t play sports or show their faces in public.

13. NO, I have never told a woman that she has a face like she was born in a bar.

MIDWEST SIDE! Can’t get enough of this gangsta sh$#.

I scoured the world of FACEBOOK (aka the planet’s alternate reality) and found the BEST Facebook Status Updates of the week (Oct 17-Oct 23, 2009) . Check it out below…is one of these statuses yours???

1. (Name) lost custody of my kids today :( On a positive note, I am free this weekend. Who wants to go clubbing?? Holler at your girl!

2. (Name) thought it was swine flu, but it turned out to be just gas.

3. (Name) just bought a house!!!! For my dog. Suckas!

4. (Name) was just involved in a drive-by! Damn Rose at the front desk had Taco Bell for lunch and then dropped a moving bomb while walking past my cube.

5. (Name) is getting married today…to my second cousin…don’t judge me. PS. We are registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

6. (Name) curled my hair, applied my lip gloss, put on a low-cut top, straddled my couch, grabbed my cordless telephone and called Live Links tonight. Can you believe all the guys on there are unemployed perverts with hairy palms. How will I ever find love?!?

7. (Name) is leaving for Alaska in two weeks! I’m so excited! I’ve never been out of the country before.

8. (Name) got cut off and kicked out of the bar last night. It was sooooooooo stupid. Just a big misunderstanding. I didn’t see the other women in the stall of the ladies restroom when I sat down and peed on her. People get mad so easily these days!! And I ONLY puked a little on the dance floor cuz all I ate yesterday was tootsie pops and dill pickle chips.

9. (Name) just bought my Halloween costume and it’s so HAWT! I’m going to be a sexy marine biologist. 

So there you have it. This week’s best FACEBOOK status updates…according to me. If you don’t agree. Leave me a comment and send me yours.

PALE GURL OUT!

This is my dog. We are refinancing our house to make his house better than yours.

Now that everyone is on social networking sites, there may come a time when you received a dreaded friend request from your boss. I know it sounds horrible, but there’s a good chance this will eventually happen to you. And once management invades your social-networking world, it will never be the same again. So why do bosses like to friend request their employees you ask? Well here’s your answer:

 Some bosses may do this because

(a) He or she is trying to prove that they are not out of touch micro-managing douche bags who sleep with Bluetooths in their ears and whose idea of fun is answering work emails on their crackberries until 11 pm. However, we all know that he or she is really just trying to spy on you and monitor your FaceTIME at work.

Or

(b)  Maybe he or she is actually a cool person who appreciates social-networking as much as you do. What a novel idea!

However, chances are your situation falls into category A, which statistics (coming directly from my head) have proven. In fact, according to me, 98.9 percent of working people have managers/bosses that fall into category A.  

So here are some suggestions of what you can do when you receive that dreaded MANAGER Facebook Friend Request.

1. CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY! Give it up. You’ve been found and called out and there is no need to play this game any longer. If you can’t live without social-networking, find a down-low social networking site where you can sign up for an account, invite all your non boss friends and hide out. Chances are most managers are only privy to the big sites like Facebook and Myspace (aka the world of  Spammy Pervs).  When your boss asks you why your account disappeared, blame it on a stalker or explain that you’ve outgrown it because the people on there are  “so immature.” However, the best and most interesting excuse is the claim someone must have started up a fake account in your name. This excuse will make you seem interesting and stalkable, which will frighten management and quite possibly get you some extra days off to deal with all the emotional distress that this fake Facebook account has caused.

2. Accept them and then immediately edit your privacy settings. Block your manager from seeing all of your photos, status updates, comments, groups, applications, personal info, notes, posted items, and videos. Let them see only your profile picture, name, birthdate, and hometown. This is the safest way to prevent your manager from seeing personal info about you that you definitely don’t want them to see. Like how you resort to barsexuality on the weekends and frequently share with your online friends how much you despise your job and enjoying slashing your manager’s tires every chance you get.

3. QUIT! Grab your personal items, dignity and walk out. Some jobs aren’t worth you losing your FaceFREEDOM. Yes, the economy may be bad right now, but there’s always those great work from home opportunities that they advertise online. Stuffing envelopes and telling two friends, so that they can tell two friends, who will then tell two more friends and so on and so on and so on – sounds fun!

And there you have. Another FaceDISASTER has been averted.

Thank you. Thank you very much!

Oh that darn Satan. Always messing with our lady business.

Here is a list of stuff I’ve learned that I’d like to pass onto the world wide web.

You probably know all of this stuff too considering it should be fairly common knowledge, but let’s review…

WARNING what you are about to read below is extremely pretentious.

1. NEVER trust a woman who claims that she “just can’t be friends with other females.” Or says things like “I just get along with men better.” Um no. This is not good. What she’s really saying: “I have a hard time being friends with other women because I am constantly trying to steal/sleep/flirt with their men.” 

2. NEVER trust a man who says: “I just get along better with chicks.” What his statement really means: “I’d rather hang out with ppl who I can have sex with” (gay men excluded from this generalization…obviously).

3. It’s the height of rudeness to view an Evite sent to you multiple times and never respond. Responding with yes or no is far more appropriate. Viewing it multiple times just make the organizer think you are waiting to see if anyone cooler is attending.

4. Family Guy got it right again…All hot chicks with a camera think they are photographers and all emotional faux-hawked dudes with a guitar think they’re Clapton, Vaughn, King, Young or one of the many greats they’ve never even listened to.

5. Candy corn contains nicotine.

6. If you’re going to get knocked up, try to go back to public high school. They have the most cost-effective daycare.

7. Heidi Montag is the worst thing to happen to music since Auto-tune.

8. Bragging about your veganism is just a fancy way for you to forget about all the other aspects of your life where you’re a complete and utter failure.

9. You must be a junior to shop in the junior’s section. 40-50 something divorcees, I’m talking to you!

10. I’ve been getting grey hairs popping up on my head since I was 22 years old. More proof of global warming (shout out to Joe Soucheray for borrowing his line).

11. Everyone on the Real World should read more than they binge drink. Us Weekly and/or Zombie Magazines are not books.

12. There’s a limit to the amount of times you can friend and then defriend someone on Facebook. 2 times ppl! It’s FaceLAW.

13. Constantly talking about/referring to bands that you think are “cool” or “underground” does not make you either of those things.

14. Dentists are car salesman with latex gloves and an H1N1 mask.

15. When is it appropriate to tell someone: “I don’t shut up, I grow up and when I look at you I throw up.”  I chose to during my year-end review at work. Not recommended.

16. If you drink 7 Mountain Dews a day and say, “Yuck” when someone offers you a glass of water, don’t be surprised when you get kidney stones.

Okay. That’s all for now.

Keep it real. Real tubular.

Fun Fact:

After appearing on Judge Judy multiple times for being a deadbeat dad and suing his wife for the return of his beloved XBox, David commemorated his television experience with this $700 Judge Judy tattoo. Way to go David! Now only $40,678 in back child support to go until he’s current! USA!

I scoured the world of FACEBOOK (aka the planet’s alternate reality) and found the BEST Facebook Status Updates of the week thus far. I will try to do this weekly unless of course my laziness kicks in or I am hanging out with my BFFs (aka my 30 Rock, Felicity and Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs).

BEST FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES OF THE WEEK:

1. Iz sicke of dum peple. Leve me the fock illone.

2. The Toy Story double feature was too long. All my kids crapped their pants.

3. Would like to thank the Lord for making me so fine, fabulous, stylish, intelligent, kind, courteous, hawt and humble.

4. Thinks everyone sucks. Quit being so judgmental. It’s not your place to do so, losers!

5. Just fit 245 paperclips in my nose. A new office record!

6. My wife’s breath smells like another man.

7. Enjoys calling people to tell them that I am about to send them an email.

8. Is pretty confident that I would DESTROY anyone in a WORST Uncle (through marriage) EVER contest. Challenge me. I dare you! He ROTS!

9. How come none of you lame asses ever leave me wall posts,  comment on my status updates or photos that I post?? Are you too busy with your pathetic lives to be friendly to me. Or are you intimidated by me and don’t feel worthy enough to associate with me.  I don’t understand why I never have any friends! Ugh! I deserve better than you idiots! On a side note…I am moving this weekend and if anyone can help, let me know ASAP!

10. Check me out on the peopleofWalmart website – http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ I’m famous!

11. Just saw something that made me vomit…literally. I’m so disgusted and sick right now. Ick! Gross! Worst visual EVER. Will post pics soon.

 And there you have it. Feel free to send me any of the BEST Facebook Status Updates that you find.

His Facebook status says:

 ”Daniel Olson just got tickets to the Miley Cyrus concert. She’s hot!”

Please don’t commit these hideous Facebook crimes. If you are currently guilty, stop now before the whole world becomes aware of your apparent lack of Facebook etiquette.

Remember, these aren’t mere suggestions, they are warnings. Stop now or be judged later by the Facebook Gods – they are fierce, unforgiving and may sentence you to eternity on MYSPACE!!!

Facebook Don’tS:

1. Couples, DON’T put cutesy “No, I love you more!” posts on each other’s walls. ESPECIALLY when you live together. It screams desperate and just makes others jealous…like me. Cuz I can’t even get my boyfriend to put ‘In a Relationship’ on his profile. But I’m totally fine with it. I mean we’ve only been dating 7 years so it’s like totally NOT a big deal. Okay, moving on…

2. Don’t send notices out for ALL CAUSES. Be selective. Pick and choose. If you are already a part of the cause to stop animal cruelty, stop crimes against children, eat vegetarian and adopt a fugly person to date – that’s enough. Stop there. If you’re for all the causes – you’re really for none of the causes and everyone will nickname you FAKEY McFakerson with a capital F!

3. Learn how to flip your pics. Nothing says “I’m a total internet granny” like posting pics that are sideways or upside down. Seriously, you can do it. There is a flipping option under the pic after you upload it.  It’s just plain unfair because we all know that everyone looks hotter sideways and/or upside down. Show us your TRUE SELF~

4. TMI! There is a such thing as TOO MUCH INFORMATION. Your Facebook friends don’t need to know about your last bowel movement, what it looked like, smelled like or what it took to create it.

5. Depressing status updates. Quit bumming us out with depressing status updates where you say “my life sucks” or “this is the worst day EVER” or “I’ll be dead by the morning.” Seriously! At first I liked this because it made me feel better about my life, but after seeing people post these depressors daily – Facebook friends no longer want to empathize with you. Instead, they want you to start lying. Facebook is not your therapist or BFF. It’s time to face the reality that some of your friends got stuck befriending you in hopes that this would deter you from stabbing them one day.

6. OVERLY HAPPY STATUS UPDATES WITH TOO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS THAT ARE IN ALL CAPS!!!!! Okay, so you may think you have the best husband, boyfriend,wife, mistress, kid, cat, or disease EVER, but guess what, you don’t and no one agrees with you. Our selfish minds won’t let us because all we think when you proclaim your “bests” is  - “Ours are better!”

7. Excessive status updates about how much good stuff you do like volunteer, work out, eat vegetables and feed the elderly.  GOOD FOR YOU! Now keep that stuff to yourself, FACEBRAGGER!

8. Taking more than 2 quizzes a day is UNACCEPTABLE. Get a life! Not like I have one, but I know others that do have a life and it doesn’t involve finding out what Hoggwarts character you are and when you are going to get married. It’s just nonsense, especially when guess what, you are already married!

9. If you receive event invitations the WORST reply is ‘Maybe.’ This is okay if you really are on the fence and plan on making up your mind and posting yes or no before the event. However, always being the ‘Maybe’ person doesn’t go unnoticed and infuriates the Facebook Gods. You don’t want your FaceRights taken away from you now, do you?

10. If you beat my Farkle score, under no circumstance is it okay for you to post your win to my wall. Since I play Farkle obsessivelyoften, I already know. Braggers don’t make for good FB friends and sometimes Farkle just feels bad for people and gives them a really high score, which coincidently puts them ahead of me on the scoreboard. So it’s not about talent or good luck, it’s just about pity, but not when it happens to me.

Now get a sense of humor and follow these tips AND you will have the best social networking life EVER!

We Midwesterners are all over the place. No longer do we only graze and live solely on flat lands near large bodies of water that freeze solid in the winter months. We are also transplants in many cities across the nation.  Since we from the Midwest are popping up all over the country, it is important that others take note of our likes, dislikes and how we operate. Why, you might ask? Well, because we are a charming people who when you meet us, you’ll immediately be drawn to us. You’ll instantly feel an incredibly strong urge to call us your BFF. Therefore, it is important for you (the non Midwesterner or former Midwesterner who’s forgotten his or her roots) to know what makes us tick and what makes us want to BFF you right back.

Here are some TIPS to getting a Midwesterner to attend YOUR PARTY (Believe me. These work!):

1. When sending out a party invitation to someone who once lived or currently lives in the Midwest, instead of referring to your party as a cocktail party or soiree. Rename your party any of the following:
a. Booya
b. State Fair
c. VFW
d. Garage Sale
e. Winter Carnival
f. St. Patrick’s Day
g. The Cabin

h. and our favorite of all…the BEER BUST! What’s a beer bust you might ask? We don’t know. Essentially it’s just another excuse to get faded off cheap beer.
Any of these are sure to bring all the Midwest peeps to your shindig.

2. Serve the following crockpot foods at your party:
a. Cocktail weenies swimming in some kind of bbq sauce.
b. Hotdish with a full layer of cheese baked on top of it.
c. Chili
d. Meatballs – In the Midwest we have a deep attraction to meat and balls.
e. Some kind of dip that includes sour cream, bacon, sour kraut
and cream cheese.
Non crockpot foods that are also acceptable: a veggie tray with mainly the “candy” veggies like cucumbers and baby carrots with a bucket full of ranch on the side; MEAT (as long as it doesn’t have the words veggie or turkey in front of it – ie turkey burgers); Doritos (Cool Ranch is a Midwest favorite); cheese curds or any deep fried delight; and any type of Casserole (again don’t be stingy on the cheese and/or sour cream).

3. Don’t just set your party’s dress code as “casual.” Instead, be very specific. Examples of what people in the Midwest enjoy wearing to parties:
a. pajama and/or fat pants (must have drawstring).
b. hooded sweatshirts
c. ball caps to either hide the static in our winter hair or show off our love of hunting/fishing/ or our C-League recreational/beer drinking softball team.
d. Carhartts
e. Sweatshirts and/or sweaters with puff paint.
f. Our old high school sports/team jerseys. Midwesterners are hella sentimental.

4. Don’t waste your money on fancy air fresheners and candles. Instead, spray a little deer piss around the party and the inner-hunter in us goes crazy.

5. Don’t go worrying about making a fire in your fire place to create ambiance. Midwesterners far prefer burning shit in the middle of the backyard (bonfire-style). Some of our favorite things to watch burn are: patio furniture, beer cans and the neighbor’s trampoline (we in the Midwest are good at holding secret jealous grudges).

6. Don’t brag about your fancy imported beer or wine selection at the party. People from the Midwest find this pathetic and quite douchilicious. Instead, serve canned beer (preferably a light or local light brew) with can koozies. Anything less would be uncivilized.

7. Let us bring our dogs. Most likely we like our dogs more than we like you so we’ll appreciate you allowing us to invite our real best friend(s).

8. If possible (weather permitting), throw your party on a pontoon or water trampoline. Nothing makes a Midwesterner want to be your friend more than when you have one or (in a perfect world) both of these things.

9. Let us watch your cable. Not that we don’t have our own cable television, but maybe you have a channel we don’t and if so, it will be impossible for us not to find the nearest recliner (with built in cup holders – you better have one of these) and watch television until the beer runs out or we fall asleep.

10. Sell pull tabs at your party. Pull tabs serve as a way to gamble away our paychecks and exercise (pulling those tabs is our cardio workout for the week).

11. Have the party in your basement. Basements are special to Midwesterners, they are the place where they get loaded and take cover when serious weather hits. Make sure you have built your own basement bar where we can sit back, relax and look at all the neon beer signs while you fix us drinks. If you don’t have a basement (Arizonans know what I’m talking about), just remember – if you build it, Midwesterners will come.

And there you have it. These tips/tricks will make your party #1 in the eyes of any good Midwesterner.

Pale girls have a sense of humor too. Check it out! Pass it on to all your friends!

xoxo

SPF 90 for life!

Dear Self Tanner,

Why must you be so orange. No offense to the color orange because I think it to be a beautiful color, especially in the fall, but on my skin, it just doesn’t look right. Had there ever been an orange race of people, I may have never thought to write this letter, but since orange is only found in fruit, vegetables, reptiles, fish, plants and clothing, I stand orange and unhappy. I rub you onto my legs, arms, stomach, back and chest in order to create the illusion that I am not dead. I long to obtain that sun-kissed glow that all the commercials claim you can provide. However, after each application, I don’t appear to be kissed by the sun, but rather drowned in a vat of SunKist Orange Soda.

Also, why must you collect in between my fingers and toes staining them a dark brown color, which forces me to hide inside mittens and socks during the summer time? Can’t you create a product that does not streak or darken on your nails, elbows and knees? Is that really so difficult?

And lastly, what is up with your smell? Why can’t you smell of lilacs or vanilla, fresh linen or even clean infants? Instead you smell of mosquito repellent, a litter box and gasoline. There are worse things than being ghostly white and walking around all day smelling like gasoline is one of them.

So please Self Tanner, make a product that looks like I was really blessed by the sun gods; smells of floral arrangements or freshness; and doesn’t stain my skin so badly that others think that I have jaundice. Until then, I will continue to curse your name and warn others of your “dangerous” side effects.

Sincerely,
Pale Gurl