Best HOLIDAY Facebook Status Updates of the Week~

After searching the WONDERFUL WORLD OF Facebook, I have found the BEST HOLIDAY Status Updates for the week of Nov 24th – Dec 1st 2009. 

Enjoy!

1. (Name) cannot believe my wife put her hands in another man’s turkey.

2. (Name) just got back from the hospital. Apparently, babies can’t live off cranberry sauce alone. Don’t be telling me how to raise my kids.

3. (Name) will never again buy a Turkey from Big Lots. How was I supposed to know? They were so conveniently displayed in a card board box in front of the store.

4. (Name) had a GREAT holiday. Finally told my family to F*ck off. Who wants me over on Christmas?

5. (Name) used Thanksgiving at my Grandma’s house as an opportunity to come out of the closet…as a proud Vegan. It didn’t go over so well. My grandma rolled her walker toward me, got all up in my face,  called me a whore and threw my Tofurkey in the garbage.

6. (Name) had the worst turkey hangover ever. I woke up naked (from the bottom down) next to my brother-in-law. I was worried, but apparently we got sloshed off turkey/stuffing, blacked out and crapped our pants.  Our family took the liberty of cleaning us up and putting us to bed to air-dry. Family matters.

7. (Name) woke up at 1 am, stood in line at Wal-Mart for 8 hours, trampled two elderly greeters, stepped on a baby’s face and broke my front tooth, but I got my kids some Zhu Zhu Pets for Christmas. Thank you Jesus.

8. (Name) was the first one camped outside of Circuit City the night before Black Friday. I was excited after seeing all their sales in the paper. Turned out Circuit City went out of business months ago. I really got to learn how to read. I look forward to one day being a functional illiterate.

9. (Name) was at Target on Black Friday and ran my cart into the back of a 12-year-old girl’s ankles. She cried, but I had to, it was the only way I could get her to drop the last Robot Dog.

10. (Name) is praying for the safe return of all turkeys on this Thanksgiving day. Let us not celebrate one genocide with the genocide of our friend, the turkey. Save all turkeys! Did you know that turkeys have fingernails by 8 weeks in utero. Think about it.

11. (Name) just bought a turkey that was shot by Sarah Palin herself. And it came with a free copy of her new book, “I shoot things; therefore, I should run the US of A. Yee haw!” OMG! How exciting!!!

12. (Name) can’t wait to spend all Thanksgiving day watching my overweight and underpaid uncle shove his emotionally abusive face with turkey, pie and whatever falls on his Minnesota Vikings-colored Zubaz. And if he gets really drunk, we’re in for a special “poor me – why do I put all my money in slot machines” treat. Happy Holidays!!

 

What these “people” are thinking:

“I can’t wait to get me a microwave for $5 off.” – Wendy (Scottsdale, AZ)

“If I don’t buy my kids a new babysitter (Nintendo Wii, Playstation, etc…), I can’t go to the bar every night.” – Constance (St. Paul, MN)

“I just like mashing up on people. I don’t really like to shop all that much. It’s magical when our genitals touch.” – Stan (Phoenix, AZ)

“I’m looking to buy a pet alligator for cheap.” – Louise (Clearwater, FL)

“Black Friday hook-ups are the best. I’m here for the working ladies.” – Tiger Woods (Orlando and wherever he is lying down his pipe)

“I heard they were giving away a free styrofoam cup to the first 55 people at the door.” – Wally (Des Moines, IA)

When you know it’s time to break up.

And here is a very important announcement brought to you by a pale gurl…

Signs that it may be time for you to end your relationship:

1. HIS stuffed animal collection is taking up the entire bed. You have resorted to sleeping on the floor with his seven cats. RUN!

2. She sat on your dad’s lap again this past Thanksgiving…without her pants on.

3. He’s been sexting back and forth with a vegan/massage therapy school drop-out about what he “wants” to do to her. Excuse me? Not only is this hurtful, but it is also embarrassing. I mean what kind of pansie are you dating that he can’t close the deal with a vegan. Everyone knows vegans are easy.

4. She leaves you so she can backpack around Europe on her own for 3 months. She says it’s to “find herself” and “see the world,” yet she sends you one postard, calls twice and only comes back with pictures showcasing night after night of binge drinking, rubbing on other men and sleeping in co-ed hostel rooms. Despite her excuses, no, she will not get a better night’s sleep by pushing her bunk bed together with those of random German dudes.

5. He or She has a lock on their cell phone. There are only 3 reasons people lock their cell phones with secret codes:

1. Cuz they are cheaters.

2. Cuz they are secretly gay.

3. Cuz they are like 70 years old and can’t figure the damn thing out.

6. After you have been dating 8 years, you ask, “What’s the next step for us in this relationship?” And your significant other says: “I was thinking Arby’s for dinner. I could really go for a couple beef and cheddars. Can you borrow me 10 bucks?”

7. He’s driving his “friend” who just happens to be a lady down to the free clinic while you’re at work.

8. She quits her job so that she can go back to school while you continue to work full-time. Then instead of studying or going to class,  she spends her days over at your unemployed douche bag neighbor’s apartment smoking his weed and drinking whatever concoction he has roofied up for her. Get out now and remember, never date a chick in bartending  school – ever again!

9. He’s always having to use your computer since his computer is constantly infected with crazy viruses from all the “specialty” sites he frequents.  sexygiraffelove.com is not a site that “all the dudes are on these days.” Get out now and call Peta!

10. She tells you: “No, I’m not gay. I only play one when I’m drinking.” Eventually she’ll figure out her lesbian ways and send you packing. Be warned this realization may take years – ala Meredith Baxter (aka Mrs. Keaton) style.

11. He only bathes when your sister is coming over.

12. You want to have a kid, but when you ask him if he wants one he says: “Yah. For sure. Let’s adopt…a hot 19-year-old.”  Note to the reader: he did not distinguish whether the “hot 19-year-old” be male or female. Therefore, not only is he a perv, but he may be bi as well.

13. He can and will sing the entire soundtrack to The Little Mermaid and Aladdin. That’s just creepy.

14. She thinks you’re rich because you have indoor plumbing. That’s what you call Anna Nicole Smith Syndrome. Soon she’ll be maxing out your credit card on saline, silicone, botox, lip-liner, hair bleach and KFC.

15. He and his friends are constantly going on what they call ”Mancations” where he and his man-friends spend weekends in a deserted cabin in the middle of the woods so that they can drink cosmopolitans, read US Weekly, giggle and sit around in their hip hugger boy shorts. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. Beware…it happened to a friend of mine.

16. He or she says/asks things like:

a. You know that treadmill ain’t going to run itself, fatty.

b. I think I settled.

c. Has your body always been that gross?

d. What’s your hot friend up to tonight?

e. When you die, can I have your car?

I work at Target. He works at Kohls. It’ll never work.

Ugh! I just can’t date someone who doesn’t wear red on World Aids Day.

…With me? Fine! I’m in love with our Golden Retriever, anyways!

…with me? How could you do this to me during the season finale of Amercia’s Next Top Model!?!

 

Facebook Crimes

Facebook Application Abuse: Healthy Application usage vs. Unhealthy Application Usage

Much like wearing leggings and growing mustaches, social networking applications are a privilege and not a right. A general rule that should apply in life is that just because something exists that does not mean that you have the right to use and/or abuse it. This especially applies when it comes to social networking applications. Applications are tools on websites such as Facebook that allow users to play games, exchange virtual gifts, and increase their community online. There are a vast array of applications that allow you to virtually send buttons (flair) to your friends,recruit and organize a vampire army or mafia family, pass happy hour cocktails such as cosmopolitans out to your friends and maintain a garden full of plants and creatures to promote some kind of social/global awareness. As much as these applications sound harmless, they have the potential to destroy all social networking as we know it.

There’s nothing worse than logging into your Facebook account to find that you have been invited by your “friends” to join hundreds of different applications or invites as they are referred to by users. You are then forced to manually go in and delete or accept each invite. And it seems that no matter how many times you ignore or deny these applications access, you just get sent more invitations. Sure, you can choose to block all application invitations from certain overzealous friends, but then what if you miss that one application invite that will change your life? I realize this application probably doesn’t exist, but what if? I can’t bring myself to make a commitment such as this with so much uncertainty dancing around me. I commend my friend’s that seem to have endless hours available to send me these invitations, but I often wonder how much more attractive, productive, college-educated and drug free many people would be if they instead used this time to better themselves rather than wasting it using applications that allow them to throw virtual snowballs at me.

The worst application invite of them all are those that promote some kind of social/economic/global change or awareness. I frequently receive invitations asking me to plant a virtual tree or grow a virtual garden in order to help some cause for some displaced community like gay purple babies who are addicted to meth in Africa. Not that I have anything against the gay purple babies and their horrible addictions, but I don’t think me pretending to have some kind of green thumb or social conscience will provide these babies any solace. Wouldn’t it be better if I just sent them money, fresh pipes or simply ignored them like a normal white American does Africa?

And finally…Here are some general rules to follow when it comes to Application Invites:

• If your friends reject your invite once, don’t send it again. You don’t want to be that smelly kid in school who even after all the other kids ignored his birthday invitation to the roller skating rink and used the thoughtful tissue paper insert to wipe their butts on, he still goes up to everyone and asks “are you coming to my party?”

 • It’s okay to use the application yourself without inviting any of your friends. When these applications ask if you’d like to send it out to friends, simply respond “no” or “cancel” and move on with your life. I know I haven’t always done this, but from this day forward I plan to. Unless something really cool comes up and I need you to become my “sister” so that I can get to the next level in Sorority Life, but I digress…

• Before sending application invites stop and think – “Hey, would this person really benefit from me passing them a virtual Jag Bomb? I mean, she’s only been out of alcohol treatment for two weeks now.”

• If you find yourself with extra time available don’t spend it sending out application invites. Instead, take care of your kids, pay your delinquent mortgage payment, read a book that isn’t a magazine or run in front of a bus. Each of these would be more productive and helpful to yourself and the ones around you than sending more application invitations.

Thank you and have a pale day.

 

And remember kids…when you’re Facebooking to keep those keyboards clean of any and all substances and germs. Purell is next to Godliness.

Best Facebook Status Updates of the Week~

After searching the Facebook world, these are the BEST Facebook Status Updates for the week of Nov 7th-14th. Enjoy! Want to make the list? Well then, send me your updates.

Don’t be tardy for the status party.

BEST OF:

1. (Name) to all my Facebook friends, thanks for the virtual memories. Without you all, I would only have a studio apartment and seasons 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 of Quantum Leap on VHS.

2. (Name) another crazy night out last night! My breath tastes like regret.

3. (Name) thanks for NOTHING Farm Town friends. My crops went unharvested and died because of your blatant disregard for my absence from Facebook this past week. I guess you can never really count on anyone…anywhere.

4. (Name) is Facebook stalking my first grade teacher. I just can’t believe that he’s not dead yet.

5. (Name) spent the evening deleting all of my skinny pics off of  Facebook. Now it’s like my 40 pound weight gain never happened.

6. (Name) gave birth to another kid today and no one cares. Why is it so important to my family that I know exactly who the father is? It’s so sad.  Everyone really started taking my birthing skills for granted after the 11th kid. Come on people – Throw me a freakin’ onesie!

7. (Name) why is it that every guy I date never calls me again after he sees my porcelain doll collection? I think it’s nice how all 347 of them surround my bed and keep me safe from evil doers and angry fairies who wish to take my adult teeth from my mouth while I sleep without leaving behind any compensation for me.

8. (Name) is still unsure where the manparts go when guys wear super tight, ultra low-rise women’s jeans. Pete Wentz, I’m looking at you!

9. (Name) is at home from work today with a sick ferret.

10. (Name) went to Vegas and all I got was this lousy 3 foot tall margarita glass that I only drank half of and then urinated in. It may be time to take it off from around my neck, but these damn straps are just so convenient.

What could this guy be thinking???

A. This is how I deal with marital stress.

B. I’m going to choke the gay right out of me.

C. I will be the world’s GREATEST prop comic. Look, I’m a strapping old jock. Ha! I’m hilarious.

D. I spend my Sundays hoping that Monday never comes.

The BEST Facebook Status Updates of the week…

These are the BEST Facebook Status Updates for the week of Oct 24th -Oct 31st. Enjoy! Want to make the list? Well then, send me your updates. Don’t be tardy for the status party.

BEST OF:

1. (Name) ’s husband is cheating on me with an NSYNC poster and it’s tearing up my heart.

2. (Name) is wondering when it’s appropriate to tell someone their cleavage is distracting? Not because it’s particularly attractive, but because it’s like really long.

3. (Name) thinks Llamas make great friends and lovers.

4. (Name) if I put hand sanitizer on my eye balls will it protect me from the uggos?

5. (Name) took two girls home after the party last night! My mother-in-law and a woman who claimed to get my great-aunt, but I still spit some game.

6. (Name) thinks Laffy Taffys aren’t funny until somebody gets hurt.

7. (Name) lost my cell phone last night, but found it in my braces this morning.

8. (Name) DOES SO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!  In Second Life. So suck on that haters!

9. (Name) eats because it’s easier than making friends.

10. (Name) was in love with a stripper until she saved up that money, quit and got herself her GED. I don’t like my ladies being able to read and stuff.

I’m sorry, but I’m not comprehending what you are saying…can you talk slower and with some lipstick on?

Things I wish I could HONESTLY say, but I can’t.

If I said these things, I’d be a liar:

1. It hurts when I eat. So I don’t.

2. My inability to cook brings all the boys to the yard. And they’re like, it’s better than yours. I can teach you, but i’d have to charge.

3. My cat and I; we have the best conversations.

4. After 7 years and you  still don’t know what you want?  That’s totally cool. Take your time. I’ll just be waiting here listening to my ovaries cry.

5. Vegans are good people.

6. My skinny jeans just aren’t skinny enough.

7. I wish everyone would stop being so jealous of my tan.

8. Thank you Mr. David Sedaris. It is a pleasure to be your favorite writer.

9. No, my co-worker’s breath does NOT smell like regurgitated Easy Mac.

10. I love duck hunting. There is nothing better.

11. Your dreadlocks smell delicious Mr. white hippie man.

12. Why yes, I would love to sit here and listen as you explain to me why the WNBA sucks and why women just shouldn’t play sports or show their faces in public.

13. NO, I have never told a woman that she has a face like she was born in a bar.

MIDWEST SIDE! Can’t get enough of this gangsta sh$#.

Did your Facebook Status make the BEST OF list this week?

I scoured the world of FACEBOOK (aka the planet’s alternate reality) and found the BEST Facebook Status Updates of the week (Oct 17-Oct 23, 2009) . Check it out below…is one of these statuses yours???

1. (Name) lost custody of my kids today :( On a positive note, I am free this weekend. Who wants to go clubbing?? Holler at your girl!

2. (Name) thought it was swine flu, but it turned out to be just gas.

3. (Name) just bought a house!!!! For my dog. Suckas!

4. (Name) was just involved in a drive-by! Damn Rose at the front desk had Taco Bell for lunch and then dropped a moving bomb while walking past my cube.

5. (Name) is getting married today…to my second cousin…don’t judge me. PS. We are registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

6. (Name) curled my hair, applied my lip gloss, put on a low-cut top, straddled my couch, grabbed my cordless telephone and called Live Links tonight. Can you believe all the guys on there are unemployed perverts with hairy palms. How will I ever find love?!?

7. (Name) is leaving for Alaska in two weeks! I’m so excited! I’ve never been out of the country before.

8. (Name) got cut off and kicked out of the bar last night. It was sooooooooo stupid. Just a big misunderstanding. I didn’t see the other women in the stall of the ladies restroom when I sat down and peed on her. People get mad so easily these days!! And I ONLY puked a little on the dance floor cuz all I ate yesterday was tootsie pops and dill pickle chips.

9. (Name) just bought my Halloween costume and it’s so HAWT! I’m going to be a sexy marine biologist. 

So there you have it. This week’s best FACEBOOK status updates…according to me. If you don’t agree. Leave me a comment and send me yours.

PALE GURL OUT!

 

This is my dog. We are refinancing our house to make his house better than yours.

OMG! My boss just Facebook friend requested me!

Now that everyone is on social networking sites, there may come a time when you received a dreaded friend request from your boss. I know it sounds horrible, but there’s a good chance this will eventually happen to you. And once management invades your social-networking world, it will never be the same again. So why do bosses like to friend request their employees you ask? Well here’s your answer:

 Some bosses may do this because

(a) He or she is trying to prove that they are not out of touch micro-managing douche bags who sleep with Bluetooths in their ears and whose idea of fun is answering work emails on their crackberries until 11 pm. However, we all know that he or she is really just trying to spy on you and monitor your FaceTIME at work.

Or

(b)  Maybe he or she is actually a cool person who appreciates social-networking as much as you do. What a novel idea!

However, chances are your situation falls into category A, which statistics (coming directly from my head) have proven. In fact, according to me, 98.9 percent of working people have managers/bosses that fall into category A.  

So here are some suggestions of what you can do when you receive that dreaded MANAGER Facebook Friend Request.

1. CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY! Give it up. You’ve been found and called out and there is no need to play this game any longer. If you can’t live without social-networking, find a down-low social networking site where you can sign up for an account, invite all your non boss friends and hide out. Chances are most managers are only privy to the big sites like Facebook and Myspace (aka the world of  Spammy Pervs).  When your boss asks you why your account disappeared, blame it on a stalker or explain that you’ve outgrown it because the people on there are  “so immature.” However, the best and most interesting excuse is the claim someone must have started up a fake account in your name. This excuse will make you seem interesting and stalkable, which will frighten management and quite possibly get you some extra days off to deal with all the emotional distress that this fake Facebook account has caused.

2. Accept them and then immediately edit your privacy settings. Block your manager from seeing all of your photos, status updates, comments, groups, applications, personal info, notes, posted items, and videos. Let them see only your profile picture, name, birthdate, and hometown. This is the safest way to prevent your manager from seeing personal info about you that you definitely don’t want them to see. Like how you resort to barsexuality on the weekends and frequently share with your online friends how much you despise your job and enjoying slashing your manager’s tires every chance you get.

3. QUIT! Grab your personal items, dignity and walk out. Some jobs aren’t worth you losing your FaceFREEDOM. Yes, the economy may be bad right now, but there’s always those great work from home opportunities that they advertise online. Stuffing envelopes and telling two friends, so that they can tell two friends, who will then tell two more friends and so on and so on and so on – sounds fun!

And there you have. Another FaceDISASTER has been averted.

Thank you. Thank you very much!

Oh that darn Satan. Always messing with our lady business.

Stuff I learned from public school and reality tv.

Here is a list of stuff I’ve learned that I’d like to pass onto the world wide web.

You probably know all of this stuff too considering it should be fairly common knowledge, but let’s review…

WARNING what you are about to read below is extremely pretentious.

1. NEVER trust a woman who claims that she “just can’t be friends with other females.” Or says things like “I just get along with men better.” Um no. This is not good. What she’s really saying: “I have a hard time being friends with other women because I am constantly trying to steal/sleep/flirt with their men.” 

2. NEVER trust a man who says: “I just get along better with chicks.” What his statement really means: “I’d rather hang out with ppl who I can have sex with” (gay men excluded from this generalization…obviously).

3. It’s the height of rudeness to view an Evite sent to you multiple times and never respond. Responding with yes or no is far more appropriate. Viewing it multiple times just make the organizer think you are waiting to see if anyone cooler is attending.

4. Family Guy got it right again…All hot chicks with a camera think they are photographers and all emotional faux-hawked dudes with a guitar think they’re Clapton, Vaughn, King, Young or one of the many greats they’ve never even listened to.

5. Candy corn contains nicotine.

6. If you’re going to get knocked up, try to go back to public high school. They have the most cost-effective daycare.

7. Heidi Montag is the worst thing to happen to music since Auto-tune.

8. Bragging about your veganism is just a fancy way for you to forget about all the other aspects of your life where you’re a complete and utter failure.

9. You must be a junior to shop in the junior’s section. 40-50 something divorcees, I’m talking to you!

10. I’ve been getting grey hairs popping up on my head since I was 22 years old. More proof of global warming (shout out to Joe Soucheray for borrowing his line).

11. Everyone on the Real World should read more than they binge drink. Us Weekly and/or Zombie Magazines are not books.

12. There’s a limit to the amount of times you can friend and then defriend someone on Facebook. 2 times ppl! It’s FaceLAW.

13. Constantly talking about/referring to bands that you think are “cool” or “underground” does not make you either of those things.

14. Dentists are car salesman with latex gloves and an H1N1 mask.

15. When is it appropriate to tell someone: “I don’t shut up, I grow up and when I look at you I throw up.”  I chose to during my year-end review at work. Not recommended.

16. If you drink 7 Mountain Dews a day and say, “Yuck” when someone offers you a glass of water, don’t be surprised when you get kidney stones.

Okay. That’s all for now.

Keep it real. Real tubular.

Fun Fact:

After appearing on Judge Judy multiple times for being a deadbeat dad and suing his wife for the return of his beloved XBox, David commemorated his television experience with this $700 Judge Judy tattoo. Way to go David! Now only $40,678 in back child support to go until he’s current! USA!

Did your Facebook Status make the BEST OF list!?!

I scoured the world of FACEBOOK (aka the planet’s alternate reality) and found the BEST Facebook Status Updates of the week thus far. I will try to do this weekly unless of course my laziness kicks in or I am hanging out with my BFFs (aka my 30 Rock, Felicity and Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs).

BEST FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES OF THE WEEK:

1. Iz sicke of dum peple. Leve me the fock illone.

2. The Toy Story double feature was too long. All my kids crapped their pants.

3. Would like to thank the Lord for making me so fine, fabulous, stylish, intelligent, kind, courteous, hawt and humble.

4. Thinks everyone sucks. Quit being so judgmental. It’s not your place to do so, losers!

5. Just fit 245 paperclips in my nose. A new office record!

6. My wife’s breath smells like another man.

7. Enjoys calling people to tell them that I am about to send them an email.

8. Is pretty confident that I would DESTROY anyone in a WORST Uncle (through marriage) EVER contest. Challenge me. I dare you! He ROTS!

9. How come none of you lame asses ever leave me wall posts,  comment on my status updates or photos that I post?? Are you too busy with your pathetic lives to be friendly to me. Or are you intimidated by me and don’t feel worthy enough to associate with me.  I don’t understand why I never have any friends! Ugh! I deserve better than you idiots! On a side note…I am moving this weekend and if anyone can help, let me know ASAP!

10. Check me out on the peopleofWalmart website – http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ I’m famous!

11. Just saw something that made me vomit…literally. I’m so disgusted and sick right now. Ick! Gross! Worst visual EVER. Will post pics soon.

 And there you have it. Feel free to send me any of the BEST Facebook Status Updates that you find.

His Facebook status says:

 ”Daniel Olson just got tickets to the Miley Cyrus concert. She’s hot!”